Home

It’s often said that home is where the heart is, but lately I’ve been wondering about that saying. We are entering the beginning of our 4th week living in this borrowed RV, in a campground.

I am completely grateful that our dear friend allowed us to use her RV to keep our family together, without us imposing on anyone else. With the reality that we are treated as outcasts by the leadership of the social club she belongs to, having her live what she preaches is not only refreshing… but it helps me to not be totally frustrated with the emptiness of organized religion. Thank you friend!

Our total lifestyle change has it’s ups and downs, but overall the family is adjusting great. Everybody is carrying their load, even in our less than 300 sq.ft. space. Most of the pieces are coming together, and we hope in the next few weeks to have everything organized to be able to live quite well. 

As I have been meeting people, it’s interesting to hear their stories… both of joy and sorrow. And the interesting thing is that they both acknowledge god as the source of their positioning. One couple is homeless, and without any income, and they believe that god is keeping them in that situation because they are not being obedient to god. Another man praises god for his security, living on disability, and having all of his needs met, including his house up north and his 5th wheel and truck here at this campground. Both the couple and the man claim and appear to love and serve god with all their hearts, and study their bibles and pray everyday. Why is one going without, and one has plenty, and they are literally 10 campsites apart. One is here because they have to be (they are frustrated and want out of here as soon as possible. They have been the focus of gossip and slander from the religious people here at this camp), the other is here strictly volunteering for the sake of volunteering. 

As I think about the ‘home is where the heart is’ statement, I think of that couple with nothing… their hearts desire is to get out of here and get down south where work awaits them. Is it god holding them back, or the sad reality of our current economy. 

My heart, once broken by the actions of not only the religious community, but family, is getting stronger every day. Not living with the constraints of religious dogma is proving to bring about a new sense of being, a born-again type of experience that our family is now walking in.

When I look up at the sky and the trees this morning, I have to acknowledge a greater power at work in this world. So when I see good people offering a helping hand or a kind word, instead of the ‘easy-out’ saying ‘Jesus loves you’… I see the signs of god in my daily life, and my heart is filled with the thought that: home is wherever hearts are united in true, authentic, and unselfish sacrifice.

Practice what you preach…

A few weeks ago I visited my former place of employment on a Sunday, for my kids to hang out with their friends. I do this every once in awhile for their sake, and usually just hang out in their coffee shop and enjoy some conversation with the great people that hang out in there. Occasionally I step into their ‘worship center’ and take a peak at what the puppet masters are talking about. 

On this particular Sunday, I sat in their balcony and watched part of a ‘drama’ they were performing. Basically, they were explaining to the crowd of mindless followers, that “the world will know (we) are christians, by the love we have for one another.”, and that they should be examples of authentic community. 

What a crock of shit! I started thinking recently about my life over the last year, and even if I was ‘back sliding’ or back stabbing, or running from God… don’t you think that at the very least, the leadership that preaches this stuff, would at least make an effort to see how me and my family are doing, other then when they are caught off guard seeing me in a store somewhere? 

I admit that there were issues between me and the pastor, but his words to me were that those issues were ok, and that it was healthy to have different opinions and backgrounds. Well… obviously it wasn’t ok. Under the banner of ‘financial woes’, I was let go from my position suddenly. And instead of staying true to his word, that I would be able to be considered a local missionary, and use the resources of the church when needed. I was escorted around the church to remove all of my ’stuff’, and once I handed my key in, they would hand me my severence check. When I tried to get them to explain to me in the weeks ahead why they treated me that way… there was no response. So I sent a complete overview of the last years issues to the board. After they had an emergency meeting… all I got was a voicemail from the pastor, telling me he was sorry for the way he handled things… Well, thank you very much Mr. Pastor man.

As a result of that sudden release from employment, almost one year later, my family and I are living out of an RV, trying to figure out our next steps in this life. Granted there have been a few wonderful people that have reached out to us and have been there for us, but if those leaders were truly doing what they expect of their congregation, would things would be different? I guess we’ll never know.

So, go ahead and keep mindlessly following this group of leaders that claim God’s direction, and maybe you and I will sit around a fire one night living out of our borrowed motorhomes, crying on each other’s shoulders because of the injustice of words spoken but not lived. 

Since we have been in this situation, we have met many, many people that have experienced what we have, and even from the same church leadership. If you need someone to talk to, or have experienced this loss and feel alone… drop me a line. I will meet you wherever you need me to, and will be there for you. That’s more than any of these posers are capable of offering. 

–paul

 

woodsman

This post is for the woodsy character hanging in the dark, hiding behind the trees, neutered, and without a spine. You could be likened to the elusive ‘big foot’, that leaves it’s oversized mark, but can never be caught in real life. The stories swirl around from person to person, of the trail of uncertainty you leave behind, and the way the injustice you’ve caused remains to most only a myth. Why is that? Is it that people hold you in such high regard because of your name or your position? Is it that you have created a bubble around you that protects you from the truth ever affecting you or your family, while other families are sometimes almost devastated? 

Then there is the fear I see in you, that most don’t see, or maybe they see it, but are afraid themselves to be exposed. Exposure…. is that what you are afraid of? How are you able to jump from one thing to another under the banner of victory and advancement? Why do you hide in the shadows, using other peoples words to threaten the seemingly weak? What if the truth was exposed here for all to read and make judgements for themselves, instead of only getting your side of the story? 

The truth is: it will all come to light one day before your very eyes, and the hide-and-seek games you play will be seen for what they are. A cover up and manipulation of the religious system for your own advantage and fame. 

You may know how to hunt and fish and find your way through the woods… but a true woodsman could cover their tracks better than you have, and would not allow themselves to be exposed. Your reality is only in your own mind, and your deceit is there as well. You have not covered your tracks completely so as to not be discovered, so I would tread lightly and come to terms with the fear inside of you. 

 

Pursuit

Journal Entry, started on June 1st:
I find myself waiting for the words to come tonight. It’s been 4 days since we (our family) were faced with having to come up with a plan to move from our home of almost the last 12 months. The circumstances surrounding that plan don’t really deserve detailing, what is important and worth note, is the extreme ideas and plans that have been the result.

Since February, we have been talking about and anticipating a move to Tennessee. The weather, economy, and culture call to us in  our sleep. The desire to move there was prompted by the need for cash flow. But the underlying, now dominate reason… is freedom from the status quo.

Our family, and many friends (some so called) think we have lost it (even though they won’t say it to our face, but find it necessary to discuss among themselves). The don’t understand the motives that drive us and see any circumstances leading to it, as a sign that something is wrong. Some believe we are running from god (at least their limited idea of god). Others think we are just rebellious, or just plain irresponsible. I say we have finally discovered, or are discovering, who/what God is, and are ready to pursue. –end of journal entry–

Thoughts continued:

That’s it… pursuit. Websters says pursuit is: “A following with a view to reach, accomplish, or obtain; endeavor to attain to or gain; as, the pursuit of knowledge; the pursuit of happiness or pleasure.” That’s what we are doing. We have stepped outside of the box of religion that shackles many people in the Matrix-type fantasy world of fear and power (if you don’t accept god, you will be tortured in hell forever).

We have gone from running from hell, to shining the light on the hells here on earth. We have gone from keeping our heads in the clouds looking for heaven, to seeing heaven here on earth, and in the lives we are living in full pursuit of life itself. 

Observations…

As I visited with friends yesterday, the realization of how clicky life can be hit me. Most people have no clue that they separate themselves from others, because they usually assemble in groups of 6 – 10 or so and it doesn’t feel like you are not associating with people that way, because of the safety of familiarity. But, if you are not a part of that group, you are treated cordially, but noticeably separate.

I’m sure most of it is just a defense mechanism for our own insecurities, when we don’t feel comfortable around people that don’t believe the way we do, or don’t share the same ideological convictions. When you try to associate with these individuals when they are apart from their tribe, there tends to be long moments of silence caused mainly by our inability to communicate on more than one level. That tends to be rooted in a religious mentality that supersedes any genuine human interaction. Even the ones that you have seen take off their masks in other settings, tend to be somewhat less than genuine in larger settings of their peers.

What I have noticed over the last 2 years, is the people I have been associated with for the last 4 years, have refined their inside/outside mentality, and find it easy to have an opinion not based in reality. Most settle for one persons story, even if that person has nothing to do with the individual that story is about. And because of the click in relationships, the storyteller has earned trust and is believed, while the truth is usually left to the presenality of the one who is actually the main character in the story.

 

Death of a loved one changes us all….

Is seems that statement is only partially true, that is until you personally face it, and that change is inevitable. But for those that mourn at the funeral of a loved one, and walk away, sometimes it awakens that need to draw closer to distant relatives. And other times it seems to cause a further separation, even from family you once were close to. 

I have always been one that wears my heart on my sleeve, and I usually speak my mind, even when others don’t want to hear it. That has gotten me in trouble in the past with powers that be, and I have even tried to silence that part of me that speaks the truth. Some say that you should filter your thoughts before actually speaking them, because it may offend. But isn’t that the point? Everyone is filtering their thoughts, and putting a different mask on depending on which group or club we are gathering with. Shouldn’t we say the things that are going to cause someone to step back and evaluate? Shouldn’t we speak the words that everyone else is afraid to say? 

Of course from my perspective, the words I used in the past come from a deep place of pain, and frustration, caused by many years of doing the very thing I now despise… staying silent. The sad part is that the recipients of my words often times read with misunderstanding, not fully knowing the place of love that those words come from. But such has life been up to this point, one misunderstanding to another, never fully realizing the healing that could come from words spoken from a once silent place.

Death definitely changes people, but too many times that change is the exchanging of one set of filters for another. If we would take the time to exchange… to respond… to scream… to shake our fists in the air as a sign of life and the desire to understand. Then I believe that the death of a loved one could change us all, and cause the lives once unspoken to begin to speak again.

Back on the road again…

Well, I picked up another motorcycle last night. This was the 5th one of this make/model that I checked out, and it was a keeper. 

It started Thursday afternoon when V and I went and checked out one that didn’t run in Flint. It was going for way too much on Ebay… so I passed. Next was a trip to St. Johns on Friday night… oh, right before I get there, the owner calls and tells me that he can’t get it started. What a joke… I was there for over an hour as he fumbled with the spark plugs, and his buddy said “it must be the throttle cable adjustment”. I knew at that point, I had to get out. So I low balled an offer, which they didn’t take, and I left.

#3 was in Grand Rapids, and from my phone conversation… it sounded like it could be the one. It ran, had all the parts, and didn’t seem to have anything wrong with it. Then there I was 6 hours later, back at home after another misrepresentation. Argh! (I’m holding back the language for now). 

Then the dream of all dreams… an older guy listed a bike 3 years newer than all the ones I had looked at, and for next to nothing. I wrote all weekend with no response until Monday morning. Then I set up a 5p.m meeting to check it out. I get there at 4:50, and he had just sold it out from under me. Did I mention we had just driven 45 minutes to get there, with the price of gas… I wanted to kick that old man’s ASS (there I swore). The funny thing, is V was more irritated than I was, and I literally had to drag her to the van as she was reaching out to take ahold of that old man by the balls. 

So, there we were pissed off, and ready to beat someone to a pulp. I had one last bike on my list… and I had happened to actually print off the directions and phone number in case the old man screwed me out of a bike, which he did. Ring, ring… Hey Steve, you still have that bike… and the rest is history. I have to give props to that man, he was very thorough and honest about everything, and even gave me a great deal. 

So here it is… it is 25 years old, so don’t hold that against me.

What’s with the puke?

Well, I read a recent Rolling Stone article: click here to read, and it reminded me of my younger years. Back in high school a couple of friends of mine and I decided to check out a ’spirit-filled’ charismatic church in our community. The 3 of us spent most of our childhood in and out of baptist churches, so what we were about to encounter was outside of our comfort zones. We all ended up falling for it… hook, line, and sinker. I spent the next 18 years in charismatic churches, where what this article talks about was the norm. 

As I sit here writing this today on my 37th birthday, I have basically stepped outside of the christian church as a whole, for many reasons of which I don’t plan to even discuss. But I will say that this article made me laugh, almost cry, and most definately want to puke. After realizing that I wasted so many years involved in emotional manipulation and control, I am torn with whether or not to try and rescue others from this life draining fantasy world. But then I remember… a man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still. I was blind for 20+ years in the world of religious piety, and was militant about recruiting people. My question to myself is: what did it take to bring me out of the matrix into the real world?

My challenge to you is based on the fact that our current technology and media capabilities give us the ability to post videos documenting many facets of life. If praying to God in Jesus name for physical healing really works…. show me! If all these overstuffed wind bag preachers and healers really had the ability to heal someone… why do we not see it all over the internet and on You Tube? Why aren’t the Benny Hinn’s of the world hanging out in cancer wards? My conclusion is that it doesn’t work, and their show is all about money.

Also, if paying your tithe is supposed to bring about the blessing of god in your life in all areas. Why are 1 in 194 homes in our country getting foreclosed upon? I’ll bet that the fat cat preachers homes are not in jeopardy… but yours may be. But keep on giving to that church expecting some miracle to happen… all you are getting is overpriced entertainment, and bad entertainment at that. Keep your money, and pay your bills… you will begin to see a miracle take place in your own personal finances, instead of lining the pockets of the senior pastors and thieves. 

What if….. (repost)

I’ve been awaken to more than I can comprehend. Words searching for meaning, in a world where they are just a means to an end. Endless chatter, and stringing of words, as pencil hits paper, how can it be? That each stroke makes me complete.

Physical laws govern the activity of my brain and speech. No matter how hard I try my mouth motors empty words. I peek inside a box that is me, overwhelmed with who I am, who I was meant to be. 

Thoughts of today, tomorrow and the sum of all our lives. We… the collective narrative of existense, are each given a glimpse of who we are, and yet some never fully realize. To stand and face our fears and start to dream again, traveling from another place in time, feeling everything start to fall in line. Order from chaos and then chaos again.

What if life, God, and all of creation could be summed up in one word, what would that word be?

ME

I am breathless and speechless… his life was too short!

Joshua S. Filan
1989 – 2008
*JOSHUA S. FILAN* age 18 of Sturgis, Michigan died unexpectedly early Wednesday morning January 9, 2008 at the Bronson Methodist Hospital in Kalamazoo, Michigan. He was born January 28, 1989 in Kalamazoo, Michigan a son to Paul & Theresa (Edwards) Filan. Josh was a life long resident of Sturgis and graduated from Sturgis High School with the class of 2007. He had been employed at the Dollar Tree Store in Sturgis and was currently a freshman student at Kendall College in Grand Rapids. Josh was a gifted artist excelling in painting, graphic design and photography. While in high school he received several awards for his artwork. He also enjoyed music and playing golf. He is survived by his parents, One Sister; Jackie Filan of Sturgis, One Brother; Joel Filan of Grand Rapids, Three Half Brothers; Paul Filan, John Filan and James Filan all of Owosso, Grandparents; Harold Edwards of Charlotte, North Carolina and Paul & Dorothy Filan of Owosso and several aunts, uncles and cousins. The family will receive friends from 2:00-4:00 & 6:00-8:00 P.M. Friday at the *HACKMAN-Foglesong Funeral Home* of Sturgis. Funeral services celebrating the life of Joshua Filan will be held at 12:00 Noon Saturday at the First United Methodist Church in Sturgis. A graveside committal will follow the service at Oak Lawn Cemetery in Sturgis. Memorial donations would be appreciated to the family to help with expenses c/o: Paul & Theresa Filan, 1123 Oakwood Drive, Sturgis, MI 49091. Envelopes are available at the funeral home.