Morning

As of late I have been waking up early, getting a jumpstart on the day. The mornings here at WCR have been unbelievable. The temperature drops to the mid 50’s while we are sleeping, and within a few hours of sunrise, it starts climbing up rather quickly. The days here have been beautiful and 80 degrees, usually with a light wind. Who wouldn’t love weather like that, and I have to say it’s been that way for almost 4 weeks up here. There is something calming, and energizing all at the same time about being in a place surrounded by hills and water. You end up being moved in your inmost being, and feel more alive than normal, whatever normal is for most folk. So for me, it has been very therapeutic. 

But this morning I awoke with a heaviness that I can’t quite explain, I guess my thoughts are catching up with my optimism, and trying to shut it down. Your thoughts can have a way of doing that to you, usually before you realize what is happening… but I recognize it today. Even in the midst of all this beauty, I can’t seem to shake this feeling of… I want to say hopelessness, but that’s not what it is… but pretty close. 

We, as a family, have had a lot of things happen over the last year or so, and I have to say that for the most part, everyone has stood strong and we have enjoyed every precious moment of each day. We have nothing, yet we need for nothing. We are homeless, yet we have a home. We are stranded, yet we are mobile. We long for old friends, yet we have met many new ones. We long for a better life, but who wouldn’t want our life? 

All these ramblings come from another place of uncertainty. No plan that I have tried to make seems to be coming to pass. Try as I may, most of the doors I try to open… close. What does all of this mean? It’s getting harder and harder to be the strong one, even though I know I have the capacity and the strength. We are not in a desperate situation as of yet, but the next month will reveal our next phase. How to get there will be the question we have yet to answer. But, as in the past, the future will reveal it’s truth to us as we continue to savor each and every breath we take. We are not lost as some would believe, but only finding ourselves in the mourning of an old life left behind.

No time for my thoughts

There has been quite a bit happening lately, that I haven’t had time with my thoughts. My grandfather passed away only 2 months after being diagnosed with cancer. He had just turned 79. That in itself is enough to think about with regards to this life we live. My grandmother Eva, grandps first wife, was the most amazing person I have ever had the opportunity to know, let alone love. She died when I was only 13 of stomach cancer… she was only 52! 

How is it that life’s cards are dealt? Who says one person lives till 52, 79, or even 18 like my younger brother? Fragility is all that comes to mind. We all want to believe that we are stronger than death, and that we can handle whatever comes our way. And for the most part, I do believe that what doesn’t kill us, does make us stronger. But stronger for what? To slave the rest of our lives hoping to one day enjoy the fruits of our labor? To make just enough money, so that we don’t have to worry about the future. What happens when that’s all you chase? Money; Retirement; the golden years. What about today?

I have finally started reading again, and have chosen Walden, by Henry James Thoreau. I am not far into it, but have been captivated by his thoughts. There is so much more to gain by finding your thoughts, and not being lost in the busyness of today. Here are a couple of quotes:

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us. 
-Henry David Thoreau 

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. 
-Henry David Thoreau 

How true I have found these thoughts in my life recently, with regard to the encounters I have had. Meeting people from many walks of life, and many differing financial positions. There seems to be a commonality among those that travel this world with their eyes wide open… Life is beautiful every day you create anew. 

I am saddened by the loss of loved ones, and even the loss of friendships that once seemed true. But one thing is certain, today… right this very moment, I am alive!

–paul